


Together

by Siancore



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Sam Wilson is a Gift, Sambucky Angst, Sambucky Fluffiness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-29
Updated: 2019-09-29
Packaged: 2020-11-01 12:23:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20815103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Siancore/pseuds/Siancore
Summary: Bucky wanted to reach over and take Sam’s hand, but they were out in the open. People might say something about seeing two guys walking together hand-in-hand down the street on a Tuesday. They might say something not so nice, and then Bucky’d have to sit them on their ass because even though that awful feeling still lived inside of him, there’s no way in hell he’d let some punk disrespect his Sam.





	Together

**Author's Note:**

  * For [avintagekiss24](https://archiveofourown.org/users/avintagekiss24/gifts).

> Prompt fill for lesbians-love-taylor on Tumblr: Internalized homophobia.

The soft lamp light washed over their naked, sated forms as Sam and Bucky laid together in the former’s bedroom. Sam had his arm draped over Bucky as he peppered small kisses on his shoulder. 

“Let me take you out,” Sam said as he breathed in his scent.

“Hm?”

“On a date,” Sam elaborated. “Let me take you out on a date. We’ve been stuck in this room for nearly a week.”

Bucky laced their fingers together and replied, “I like being in this room with you. I like it when we’re together.”

“I do, too,” said Sam. “But you gotta let me up for some air soon.”

Sam let out a small chuckle, but Bucky didn’t. They had been together for a little over a month now, and Bucky sure did care for him, but there was this horrible little feeling that was floating around inside of him; this little voice that kept telling him that what he and Sam were doing, behind closed doors, just wasn’t something guys should be doing. 

When he was caught up in the moment, when Sam’s hands and lips and tongue were on him, Bucky didn’t care about anything else. 

When they were lying together holding one another, that’s all he cared about. But then it would come time for them to venture out into the world together, and Bucky couldn’t bring himself to do it as a couple. He would be overcome by this awful feeling of guilt. He’d feel a little guilty for being so attracted to another man, and then a lot guilty for feeling bad about his attraction. But he mostly felt guilty about the prospect of hurting Sam. 

He knew things were different now; he knew that people were more accepting, so why couldn’t he fully accept himself? His mind flashed back to that one summer when he was still a kid and he was sweet on one of the guys from his neighborhood. Maybe the other boys noticed how he would stare and smile and act all giddy when he was near; maybe they were just mean and rotten to their cores, but the names they called Bucky were cruel and ugly. The look in their eyes was still burned into his memory. 

“You still with me, Soldier?” asked Sam, drawing Bucky from his thoughts.

“Yeah, sorry,” he answered. 

“So, you gonna take me up on my offer or what?” Sam pressed.

“What’d you have in mind?” Bucky asked.

“A meal and a walk?” asked Sam. His voice sounded so hopeful that it hurt Bucky’s heart.

He gave Sam’s hand a squeeze and then said, “Okay, dollface. It’s a date.”

.....

Bucky looked at his phone and saw the messages from Sam. He felt bad about not replying to him, so he tossed the device aside and went to his fridge. There was never any fucking ice cream when he needed it. He slammed the door shut and then slumped back into his sofa in front of the TV. 

After dozing off for a while, he was awoken by an impatient knocking on his door. He got to his feet and called out, “Don’t get your shorts in a bunch, I’m comin’.”

He was surprised to see Sam standing there with a worried look on his face.

“Hey, Sam, what’re you doin’ here?”

“You canceled on me twice, and now you’re ghosting me,” he said in a matter-of-fact way. “So I thought I’d better come and check on you. You gonna let me in or?”

“Yeah, sorry,” he said as he stepped aside to let Sam walk by. 

Sam looked around the small apartment before taking a seat at the table; Bucky followed suit. 

“You okay, man?” Sam asked.

“Yeah,” said Bucky. “I’m just not feelin’ too good.”

“You sick?”

“Maybe, I don’t know.”

“I spent two years on the road with Cap, and the dude was never sick,” said Sam. “I thought y’all had the same super soldier thing goin’ on?”

“Yeah, I guess,” said Bucky, wishing he had thought of a better goddamn excuse than he wasn’t feeling good. “But it’s different, I suppose. I’m not sure about how it works.”

“Okay, dude,” said Sam. “I was just thinkin’ that maybe you didn’t wanna hang out with me —“

“I do,” said Bucky quickly. “I wanna spend time with you, but I really haven’t been feeling good.”

It wasn’t exactly a lie. Bucky was feeling guilty and nervous about going on a proper date with Sam. He couldn’t stop wondering what people would think or say about them, two guys who liked each other out on the town just minding their business and having a swell time.

Concern washed over Sam’s features and he stood up and went to Bucky. He placed the back of his hand to Bucky’s forehead to check his temperature. He knit his brow and Bucky had to admit he was so terribly cute when he was worried. He was so cute and handsome and beautiful that it made Bucky want to cry. 

“I feel okay now,” said Bucky.

“You sure?” asked Sam, shifting his hand so that he was cupping his face before tilting his chin upward. 

“Yeah,” said Bucky. “A hundred times better now that you’re here.”

Sam placed a soft kiss to Bucky’s forehead before hugging him and saying, “Good. I just want you to be okay.”

Bucky’s heart swelled with adoration for Sam. He was the sweetest, kindest guy he had ever met. And Bucky wished he could be sweet and kind to him in return, but somewhere deep inside, he felt like he was going to hurt Sam somehow. Beautiful, brave Sam who made his days brighter just by being near. 

.....

Another month had passed before Sam and Bucky were finally on an official date. It was a lunch date in a not-too-busy eatery. Sam figured Bucky was kind of shy and didn’t like huge crowds, so he picked a spot not too far from his home; they walked there. 

Bucky wanted to reach over and take Sam’s hand, but they were out in the open. People might say something about seeing two guys walking together hand-in-hand down the street on a Tuesday. They might say something not so nice, and then Bucky’d have to sit them on their ass because even though that awful feeling still lived inside of him, there’s no way in hell he’d let some punk disrespect his Sam. 

When they reached their destination, Sam, like the gentleman he is, held the door open for Bucky and placed his hand to the small of his back as he passed. A little nervousness rose up inside of Bucky at the contact and he immediately felt bad. So fucking bad. Sam was just being a genuinely nice guy who was doing a nice thing for the guy he was sweet on. 

Bucky took up a seat by a window while Sam placed their order. When Sam returned, he was wearing a huge smile. He sat across from Bucky and then handed him a ridiculously oversized cookie.

“What’s this?” asked Bucky, mirroring his bright beam.

“For you,” said Sam.

“To ruin my appetite before lunch?” he queried playfully.

“Nah, man,” said Sam, as he reached over and took hold of Bucky’s hand. “To see you smile like that.”

Wow, thought Bucky as his tummy did little flips and his heart raced. Sam was the best, he mused. 

When the waiter brought their food over, Bucky withdrew his hand from Sam’s quite abruptly and immediately felt bad. Sam really was the best and he deserved better than some asshole who wouldn’t even hold his hand in public, thought Bucky as his smile faded.

.....

The months flew by and the weather grew cooler and Sam and Bucky were still together. Things were getting better with the latter’s internal struggles. 

All of their friends knew they were together, but Bucky was still a little apprehensive about public displays of affection. It’s not that he didn’t want to hug and kiss and love on Sam because he fucking did. He wanted to be wrapped around him all the goddamn time. 

He was still wary of defining their relationship to those who weren’t close to them. He was dealing with his issues, well, not entirely, but he was finding work arounds. Like how he would carry his phone in his right hand while walking next to Sam and keeping to his left. Or just keep his hands in his pockets. He didn’t know if Sam noticed; if he did, he didn’t say anything. Still, Bucky felt like shit for even doing it for so long. 

.....

One afternoon, the pair were enjoying the winter sun in a park near Bucky’s apartment. They sat on a park bench feeding the pigeons; there were a few kids hanging out nearby who seemed to be watching them.

Bucky was sure to sit to Sam’s left and hold the birdseed in his right hand. Sam took it from him, placed it between his own legs, and then took hold of Bucky’s hand. At first Bucky felt a little nervous, but then he grew more comfortable as people walked by and paid them no mind at all. Soon, he was completely calm.

His calm slipped away when he saw two boys headed in their direction. Maybe they weren’t going to approach them. Nah, they were definitely approaching. Bucky let go of Sam’s hand when they got close and then eventually stopped in front of the couple; Sam noticed.

“Hey,” said Sam amicably. “What’s up?”

“Hey,” the teens both proffered in unison, before one said, “Can we ask you somethin’?”

Bucky felt quite anxious in that moment even though their attention was on Sam and not him.

“Sure,” said Sam. “Shoot.”

“Are you Captain America?”

Sam gave them a crooked smile and then gestured for them to lean in closer, before saying, “I just might be, but I couldn’t tell you either way.”

“Aww man,” one said as the other laughed. “We bet our friends twenty bucks that you were.”

“How about I give ‘em a thumbs up and you just tell ‘em I’m Captain America, okay?”

“Cool, okay,” the teen replied as Sam raised his thumb for their friends to see.

They offered their thanks and then returned to their group. Bucky sat quietly next to Sam as he wrung his fingers together.

“You okay?” asked Sam. 

“Yeah, o’ course. Why?”

“You snatched your hand away from mine like I gave you an electric shock or somethin’.”

“What? No I didn’t.”

“Yeah, you did.”

“Well, it ain’t a big deal, Wilson,” Bucky snapped, a little more harshly than he had intended to.

Sam raised his hands and his eyebrows and replied, “Hey, I never said it was.”

They sat in silence for the next five minutes. Bucky kept his eyes on the ground; Sam wondered what was going on with his boyfriend.

.....

Bucky read through the Chinese takeout menus as Sam stepped out of the bathroom having finished his shower.

“Decided on anything yet?” asked Sam as he flopped down next to Bucky of the sofa.

“There’s just so much to choose from,” said Bucky. “I hate makin’ decisions.”

He handed them over to his boyfriend and then added, “You pick.”

“Aright,” said Sam as his eyes scanned the pages.

Bucky sat and watched him a moment, admiring the way Sam’s long lashes brushed against his face ever so slightly when he blinked. He was exquisite and almost took Bucky’s breath away. It’s no wonder those kids in the park recognized him: It was hard to forget a face like Sam’s.

“Hey, can I ask you somethin’?” Bucky queried.

“Yep.”

“Those kids today,” he started. “Why didn’t you tell ‘em that you are Captain America? They didn’t seem like they were threats or anything like that.”

“I dunno,” said Sam, placing the menus down on the sofa. “I like to keep a little air of mystery about myself. Like a man of mystery, or mysterious man or whatever..”

He smiled at Bucky in that way where his whole face lit up and Bucky was sure that he just might float away because he felt so light in Sam’s presence.

“Can I ask you somethin’?” said Sam.

“Sure.”

“Why don’t you like holdin’ my hand in public?” 

Sam’s smile was gone and Bucky’s heart sank. 

“Uh?”

“Dude, you really think I haven’t noticed?” said Sam gently; not angrily or harshly, but gently.

Bucky averted his gaze and cleared his throat. He thought about making some excuse or telling Sam that he was mistaken, but instead he let out a loud sigh.

“It’s — it’s not that I don’t like to,” Bucky began to explain. “It’s just that I — I’m —“

“Scared?”

“Maybe,” Bucky replied. “I just get nervous sometimes.”

“I don’t want you to do anything you’re not comfortable with,” said Sam in an even tone.

“It’s not you,” said Bucky. “You’re perfect and I always feel safe with you. It’s just that I’m not used to, ya know, being like that with a guy.”

He kept his eyes trained on the floor as he spoke. Sam could hear the weight of guilt laced through his words.

“You mean out in public?”

“Yeah,” said Bucky. “It was different when I was a kid. Guys just didn’t do that stuff out in the open with other guys. I guess I just have some hang-ups.”

A silence fell over them.

“I get it,” said Sam after a moment. “Things were different then. Hell, things aren’t perfect now, so I get it. I understand where your concerns are coming from.”

“Goddamn it,” said Bucky sadly. “Why are you bein’ so damn nice to me? I don’t deserve a good guy like you.”

“Really Barnes?”

“What?”

“You don’t know why I’m being nice to you?” asked Sam disbelievingly. “I care about you, dumbass.”

“Well, maybe you shouldn’t.”

“Come on, man; don’t say that.”

“What do you want me to say?”

“I want you to talk to me,” said Sam. “Tell me what’s goin’ on in that pretty head of yours.”

“You really wanna know?”

“Of course I do.”

“I just — I get real fuckin’ nervous when we’re out together in public and you touch me, because I’m scared of what people will say or do.”

“Hey, look at me. Don’t worry about other people,” said Sam as he took hold of Bucky’s hand and stared into his sad eyes.

“I feel bad because I was always told that two guys being together was wrong and it claws at me sometimes ‘cause I know it’s not wrong. How can it be wrong when I love you so much, Sam? I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone.”

They both stop and look at one another a beat. It’s the first time either of them had ever made that proclamation. Sam was about to say it back, but Bucky let go of everything he was holding inside; the tears and doubts came flooding out.

“What the fuck is wrong with me?” he asked shakily.

“There’s nothing wrong with you, baby.”

“I’m an awful person,” said Bucky as he dropped his head again. “I feel like a coward. I feel weak.”

“Don’t say that about yourself,” said Sam. “You’re the bravest person I know. Hey. Look at me, Buck. Look at me.”

Bucky lifted his teary gaze.

“Listen, what you’re feelin’ isn’t that uncommon. A lot of dudes go through this. And this isn’t something that’s wrong with you, or makes you weak. You were taught to feel this way. Society pressured you to feel this way, and I know that’s not something that you can snap your fingers and change just like that. It takes time to unlearn things that can harm us. And you’ve got time, baby. And I’ll be right here with you. You don’t have to be afraid, okay?”

Tears fell from Bucky’s eyes as Sam used his thumb to wipe them away.

“Does it get better?” Bucky asked as he tried to steady his breathing. 

“It does,” Sam replied as he brought Bucky’s knuckles to his lips and pressed a kiss to them. “So don’t beat yourself up about it. You’re self-aware, so you can change. You can grow.”

“Thank you,” Bucky whispered. 

“Feel better?” 

“Yeah,” he said with a smile as he scooted closer to Sam and rested his head on his shoulder. “You must’ve been a really good counselor before.”

“I was okay,” said Sam. “But I’m not your counselor, Buck. Seriously. If you need to talk to someone, you let me know and we’ll line it up.”

“Okay,” said Bucky, feeling much better after opening up. “Will do.”

They sat in comfortable silence, hand-in-hand, as Bucky traced his thumb over Sam’s and relished in how safe and loved he felt at Sam’s side. 

“So,” said Bucky after a short while. “If you’re not my counselor, and to kids in the park, you’re not Captain America, who are you, I mean, other than a man of mystery?”

They both shared a little laugh. 

“I’m your partner,” said Sam with a smile. “I’m the guy who loves you. I’m the one who’s gonna be by your side for as long as you’ll have and want me.”

Bucky brought Sam’s hand up to his lips so that he could kiss it, before replying, “I’m always gonna want you.”

“Good,” said Sam happily. “And remember we’re in this together.”

“Yeah,” Bucky replied as he nuzzled closer to Sam. “Together.”


End file.
